The Way

Words are hard to come by when what you're feeling is a deep realisation of a truth in your being, in your cells. You know what you know but there are no words to describe it. Like suddenly something has been uncovered. Like peace arrives in your heart.

The feeling of "wait, there was never nowhere to get, no problems to be solved, nothing to escape, nothing to change." It was an internal affair, something to be felt, something to be seen, something to be uncovered. To be oneself and not stay in the hiding.

I was misguided by myself. It's nobody else's fault.

Lost and confused by the pull of the mind and the urges of the temporal self.

How did I get to where I am right now? In a place of wholeness.

Why was I not here before? I have asked these questions before.

How do I get so lost?

No solid ground to stand. The wind throwing me around.

Oh I am this and I am that. This is what I need, oh wait this is what I want.

All from the head or the triggers my body felt.

What changed?

Well I went into all that the mind and my body said.

I said okay, I will leave, I will stay, I will go wherever it is that you want

As long you are happy and jolly

I went in the direction of all the solutions, I took them on, I went in, I went out

I did the thing, I called

I looked, I searched

I tried it on, I embodied what it had said

the ideas of I will be who I am and who I want once things are different

I can't be who I am here

not right here, not right now

find a different place, a different time

I need sand under my feet and the sun on my face

I need to sit under a tree, bare feet

I need to be surrounded by beautiful souls

I need beauty

I need peace

I need a life where life is true, life is real

where we grow food, where the water is fresh

where birds sing and peacocks dance

where I rise with the sun and sleep under the moon and the stars

where I am with nature and nature intact

where life unfolds

where days are timeless and full of space

a place where my heart feels at rest

in ease I can unfold

where I am satisfied, surrendered

a place where I stop seeking something new, something else

where I have everything I want

being happy with what I have

where there is no angst

no imagining different lives and different futures

where I am settled inside

full-filled and happy

no looking forward to anything

just living everyday as it arrives

surrounded by love

so then I get to be who I am

happy, full of life, loving

showing up as I am

that is the place I have been seeking, wanting, imagining in my mind

getting into the what, where and how

wanting to jump into a different life

a different reality, a different time

the needs are real, the desires true

but the way is where I go wrong

the true desires become a reality when I become true

they are a result of becoming oneself

as I am, where I am

with who I am

showing myself

being myself

where I am, as I am

and questioning everything that takes me away from that

I have a sun, the moon, the stars

I feet might not be on the bare ground but I can still dance

It might be cold outside, but the warmth can be in my heart

there are many things that are not perfect

maybe not ideal, maybe missing

but am I aware and in awe of what I have

I have beautiful souls by my side

there is beauty to be noticed, felt

I am loved but I fret

the wounds are strong, they isolate me from the rest

blocking the flow of love and of life

In hindsight, I am in sorrow, I am in regret

My job is not to make my dreams come true

my job is to be true

to see what is true

the let god, life, nature do the rest

to not hide

and remember that I always, always have what I need

to start walking the path

no matter what the mind says

there is always power in my hands

that is what they call faith

to remember truth in the midst of your mind telling you otherwise

the mind is powerful, the mind is strong

it would be foolish to deny the influence of the mind

the images it shows, the stories it tells,

turning life into hell

and it can't be fought, it can't be silenced

it can't be removed, the silent enemy that lives within

the only defence that holds up is to hear it, be open to it

and go into it

feel it, sit with it and contemplate

to reach the root,

the depth of the waves

the mind has been trained, conditioned

to look at the world from it's made up thoughts

about one self, about the other, about the world

and we identify it as us

Thinking that the mind is me, so it is true

and to question it means questioning my own existence

questioning life as I have lived it so far

It isn't easy to realise a life lived was based on lies

the problems made up, the pain based on things untrue

It isn't easy to even come a possibility that life can be good

because it hasn't felt like that

It isn't easy to realise that I have the power to let go of misery

the power to have a life of love and beauty

that it isn't the outside that needs to change

that it has always been within me

the enemy I fought

the wars going on

the upheavals

the pain felt

the hell lived

the outside can still change, it will change, that is the nature of life

but the difference is that it is not the saviour

it is not the thing that will solve everything

it is a mere film, a fragment of imagination, that the mind presents

offering it as an all power god, that needs to be worshipped, that needs to be held tightly

based to fear, lack and a lost self

nothing has that power

nothing except oneself

it is to see that you are a place where god lives

and you are a place that can be hallowed and empty, full of dark entities

all powerful and so vulnerable

true power lives not in control but in flow, in surrender

empowerment and humility live in the same house

only then it is a peaceful and strong home

It isn't easy to see that the power is always within

and to realise I just didn't know

And it isn't easy to realise how fallible I am

how easily lost

how easily I fall

how easily I forget

It's tiring, exhausting

there is then shame, there is grief

saying, wait, I knew this

how could I lose my way again

well when emotions run high

and you feel a lot

you look for relief of any sort

then there are voices in the head

a pressure in the body

and combined they lead you on a path

and you follow

until you go in circles and come back

to realise you were exactly where you needed to be

but with a lesson learned

maybe something you knew

for something to reach deeper

or for something to connect

On the surface it looks like you have come to the same place as the same self

but something has been changed in yourself

maybe you are meeting yourself deeper than you ever had

maybe you are seeing yourself as someone new that you never knew

In any case, you return to beauty

you return to yourself

you return to love

you return to the peace in your heart

maybe braver than before

having faced the demons you had feared

to become who you need to be

to become who are you

maybe you had to go away to return to yourself

maybe this is the way

to undo the inner spell