Connecting with myself

I sit and I ask myself, "what are you feeling?" and no answer.

I sit and I ask myself,"what's going on, what's here?" and no answer

I want to know, I want to connect with myself. But there's unease of being in my body.

There's unease in breathing. There's unease in sitting.

There's unease in being.

There's a disconnect, my inner self isn't speaking to me.

It's not revealing itself, the chaos within

The things being said, the emotions felt

All under the veil

the veil that keeps me away from myself

It makes me wanna weep

because I can't force it and be met

The wall is up

strong and tall

Nothing goes in and nothing let out

I wanna connect to my heart

know what's there

feel the feelings that are there to be felt

but I am locked out of myself

And I can't huff and puff and blow the walls away

I am required to be patient

sit in the discomfort

in the unknown

in the unease

of this disconnection from my own heart

I am asked to sit until the doors open by themselves

to not leave the site

to not look for distracting sights

I am asked to be there until the walls melt

with the warmth of my presence

I am asked to not abandon myself

It feels hard to stay in my own body

I wanna run, look away, chase something else

I see all of that

And I am right here

being with with myself

until the veils burn, until the ice melts

until my tender heart speaks again

and reveals itself

Until then,

in silence, I find companionship again

in silence, we unite again

Connection doesn't always look like words I guess

sometimes, silence is worth more than wordy spells.

The process of connecting with myself.