Anchored or floating aimlessly?

My heart is beating fast but I am not aware. There's a turmoil and I am not aware. I am smiling, talking, reacting but I am not aware. I am walking, playing, singing, dancing and I am not aware. I am aware of everything but of myself, I am not aware.

A whole life lived being unaware of your own being becomes a heavy burden to carry. It's a game, it's a play. Let's see who can hide more of what they really feel. Let me interact with you through my fear. You, who are my family, the cherished few. You are the danger and I don't wanna be a prey. So I put myself away, so far away that I cannot even find myself and I pray.

I pray for truth as I live lies. I come to myself when I am alone and leave when there's someone in sight. Constantly abandoning the inner child, constantly abandoning myself.

Disconnected from my heart, from my body. I go play the game of survival because I learned a long time back that I couldn't have myself if I wanted to have anybody else.

So I made a decision. I chose them over the little girl. I left. I left not once but I leave her again and again since then.

And slowly slowly life seems to be leaving me and my soul isn't in me. My heart locked shut. I am a body with a mind trained to please others.

But then here's a twist. I can't even have the ones I chose over myself. Because I am broken and damaged inside. I can't stand them because they are the reasons why I have to constantly leave myself. I had trained myself to take on their pain, to bring them relief, to take care of their wellbeing, so they could be with me. Feels like a cycle of death, of self-betrayal.

I take on all of what is around me, I take on the responsibility to fix it all, heal it all, make it all better. I hold them all, I am the shoulder, I am the strenght. That is what I decided I had to be. If it wasn't me, it would be nobody. I cannot just let anybody be. I must come up with an answer, an epiphany. I must. I must. Never really stopping and asking why. What happens if I don't.

And in this self assigned responsibility to carry them all on my back. I cannot stand to be with them at all. I feel pressured and suffocated to hold space. To do it all for them as my tears dry inside of me. I become bitter, nasty and angry.

I want to be with me and let them be. I want to focus on me, mind my own business. Their pain is not my responsibility. I want to create. I want to know what I am feeling, I want to stay connected with me to know if I want to say yes, no, thank you or please.

I want to move intentionally. Be in my body. Speak through my core and not lose me.