I must know mysef

I can only do as much as I can

I am who I am, how I am

but do I understand how I am?

how I work

the intricacies of me

the functionality

what works, what doesn't

how much I can do

what it is that I want to do

and how it all changes

on a regular basis

moment to moment

the cycles, the rhythms

the seasons

there's a voice in my head always trying to dictate me

expecting everything to remain the same

for nothing to change

but this voice,

it doesn't know me

it's the voice of the outside

the voice of the 'world'

asking me to be as everyone else

this voice has taken a home in me

not interested in what holds true for me

everyday I feel different

everyday life is happening through me

everyday god is looking for opportunities to work through me

the openings

that the mind doesn't want to exist

when the mind is disconnected from the feeling body

it has limited information

it identifies a 'problem'

and wants to get busy, solving it

puzzles, it's favourite things

it hates the idea of feeling anything

it wants to control every aspect of life

to live a predictable life

to eliminate danger of the unknown

safety, safety, safety

that's the ultimate goal

So I am not used to hearing me

but my body never lies

it lives in the truth of my inner reality

it knows me

it holds all the feelings

safe and sound

until they're seen

until they're felt

the truth lives here for what is bothering me

why I am not happy

what I am needing

what I am not hearing

it all lies dormant in my body

it won't be stoped and it won't be forced

it requires my presence onto me

there's something beyond what my head is telling me

there's something wrong that I can't see

but the eyes are inside

that can see

with my mind, I only see false realities

the mind throughs a tantrum

when the river of emotions is flowing as it pleases

it takes away the predictability

the stability

it breaks the bounds of known reality

oh too bad I am not a machine

that works consistently, regularly

following directions

oh too bad

I am not orderly,

a void of emotions

there's a life being lived through me

and it is beyond 'me'

the small self that can't see

full of fear and agony

I must learn how I work, particularly

the only work of art I need to study

I cannot live under the guidance of the small self

the ego identified patterns

I want to live through god and have god live through me

that is me

every moment is a doorway into eternity

where I am led by truth and what is whole

the subtle body is aware

it speaks through my body, my heart

my mood, the level of energy

are my indicators

if I am aligned, on my path

or fighting deep reality

I must know me

my feelings, my energy, my body and my heart,

lead me to my north star

they tell me who I am

how I am

how I work

what I want

they show me my scars

they show me my path

they show me why I am here

they take me to my true destiny

I am not the person to follow my mind

but only my heart

to truly live as I truly am

I must know me

so what does that mean in daily living

if I don't fit into the mold of this world

if I want to honour me

my limits, my boundaries

if I don't want to run a race

if I don't want to be part of this world that doesn't work for me

how do I live then

it sounds easy on paper

but very isolating and confusing in reality

ok I say no to that

but I still need to learn how to live in harmony

I still have to figure out my own ways

build my own reality

from scratch

because their ways don't work me

so who can help me

there's wrong advice everywhere

like one glove can fit the hands of every single person in the world

I look for guidance

for people like me

but I have been disappointed

not less than enormously

maybe I am not in the right place

maybe I am trying to make it work with the wrong crowd

living in the systems that are built against me

maybe this world works for people

but it definitely isn't for me

there are feelings of doom

of deep agony

I want a world that resonates with me

and I just don't see

where that is

where it can be

like I am alone in this world

feeling these feelings

feeling like something is wrong

in this reality

in my bones

I can't be the only one

I don't know how to make it work

I am struggling

going in spirals

how could I create art

fill my heart and have my soul dance?

this world doesn't work for me

and I call this a block?

a hurdle in the way of creating

of building, of living

this block shows me that a foundation is lacking

this is not where I want to be

this is not how I want to live

can't create art from an empty shell

can't feed anyone when I am deeply starved

can't give when there's nothing filling my cup

there's no fountain, no fall

without a stream coming in

giving it the charge

I must know myself

I must know what fills my cup

what I need to live in my highest

and force worn't work

I must sit with myself persistently

to know the answers for myself

I must have conversations with myself

ask myself questions

give myself the time, the attention, the safety

I seek from the world

there's no other way

no way out

living through 'thinking' can take me far

and away from myself

but even that is temporarily

eventually I come back to where I start

what is true will sustain

it won't fade away

the ideas might be good, they might be worthwhile

but without a strong foundation

nothing will stand, nothing will last

if all the ideas don't stick

there must be something underneath

something else I must need

before I can go conquer the world

I must be nourished

and yes, I don't know yet

the what and the how

but I trust that it will emerge as I allow my spirit to speak

and listen with my heart

I trust that I will be home

whatever it is that it means

the unknown holds all the answers

the potentials

a space of possibilities

it holds all that I don't know

it is a fascinating place to be

this dark hole

like the one we came from

nothingness

a birthplace of reality

I am ready to sit in it

in utter darkness

open to receive all that I need

to get to know myself

and what I deeply, truly want

how to have my soul dance

my heart nourished

how to quench this thirst my spirit has felt

I must know myself

that is my purpose

that's my dharma

I must know myself