The condition of life

The illusions of dreams and a fantasy land

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I am tired of chasing dreams

or maybe the fantasies that my mind offers me

the thing that is 'it'

I have been disappointed too often

misled

false promises

the ideas, the visuals

the images

the imagination

a perfect world

it shows me

somewhere else

another life

that I don't have

with evidence

it's convincing

but I have walked that path

too many times

to return home

to a life

that is mine

however small

however hard

with all that it carries

the miseries and the faults

the promises are empty

there isn't another life waiting for me

somewhere else

only if I do this thing or that

I leave this and grab that

In the refusal of my life as it is

I look away because I can't stand it

for what it is

far from what I want

but still

I am tired of chasing fantasies

these vivid images

that only exist in my mind

but not in reality

how could the mind know,

the future it promises

taking me away from my reality

Making a thing the solution,

to the problems it does not understand

problems are the feelings

that are felt in the body

feeling bad

it jumps to conclusions

well only if

only if there was more money

only if there were better people

only if I was living somewhere else

only if that didn't happen in the past

only if I wasn't sad

only if there was a life I was living

that was different than this

what is the cause

it goes on a search in itself

trying to help

trying to find out

the reasons for feelings

not letting me feel the feeling

needing me

wanting me

urging me

asking me

to go

go somewhere else

to follow the mind on its quest

but there is neither an answer, nor an end

it's an endless search

a serpent eating itself

it freaks out

waving a red flag

like we are at war

trying to name an enemy,

and shoot to kill at once

it attacks

but there is no one there

it runs

away from something

towards something else

it attacks, runs, cries in agony

all at once

also bringing in the pictures of a fantasy

it doesn't know what to do with itself

the nervous system is wired

overburdened

still asking me to go

where it asks

and I had in the past

not anymore

no more of that

I got the life I have

I will not run or chase anything else

It will be what god wants

I will be here listening

doing my best

but run after,

chase fantasies

I won't do that

I choose to be here

in my life

as it is

even when it's not ideal,

not what, I think, I want

how can I trust myself

when I have lived from the mind

it's tricky

to learn to move from the heart, your true self

from peace

when you've been used to chasing illusions

the mind calls dreams

not true dreams

that speak from my soul

and with those, life takes charge

to bring me what is already mine,

what I already have

I am at peace,

knowing that

so I am here

in this life that is mine

with all that is

good and bad

it is mine

I claim it

I am here

wherever the 'here' might be

wherever god will take me

whatever life will bring me

I am here

allowing my life to unfold for me

I am here

in the condition of life.