The hollowness of the mind

"Seeking god can take you away from god," was the thought that entered into the paradigms of my still mind this morning.

Today the morning was different, there wasn't a rush or a race with time. It was calm. It was slow. It was mellow. Something had changed. It felt like I wasn't the same. Like a shift inside of me had happened, a shift in energies, that was changing my reality.

I wasn't under the commands of my mind anymore. It felt like I was free. Like a big relief. Like I could breathe.

The mind had said, "you must do this, this and this to not lose the things that are bigger than thee." The things that promise eternity, freedom from misery, but didn't mention the cost of that was losing me. I made a deal, I agreed. Following the instructions of the other, through a voice in my mind that sounded like me. Undermining my own authority.

Then something felt off, as I was doing the deed. I felt disconnected from my own spirit and my heart felt sorrows not glee. But I had accomplished what the mind had instructed me. I did it. And yet I felt as empty as I did when I made the deal.

The quest had become a distraction in itself to not feel the pain that I was feeling. I had made something be bigger than me, I had found the "answers" on the outside of me. I felt something and ran to find a remedy, the remedy that was in the pain I was feeling.

Right on the onset of discomfort, onset of pain. The mind races to find a solution, a cure, a conclusion to never have to feel this way again. "I will do this and never that. He is like this and she is like that. I should be like this and never like that." Correcting behavioural outcomes and not going deeper than that. Where someone's at fault, a story on play, like a drama on stage. There's blame, there's shame, there's an ego in flames.

No wonder it's hard to feel, to sit still, to simmer in the heat of the pain. It feels easier to scream and fight, then to shed a tear. It seems easier to make a plan and to leave the emptiness behind. But even the emptiness must be felt. The disconnect from my own soul must be felt. The pain of separation, the grief of losing myself must be felt. Even apathy, numbness must be felt. The discomfort in my own bones, the closed heart must be felt. The restlessness must be felt, the anxiousness, the unease must be felt.

Any action taken before that will be empty and forever taking me further into emptiness. Like a fall into a never ending, bottomless dark hole. Floating in the dark, moving your hands and feet. Trying, trying, trying. Exhausting your soul.

It's a maze made by the mind on foundations of lies. The more you try to escape the bigger it gets. The more you fight it, the stronger it gets. You get lost and tangled in the illusory strings of self created conquests.

There is no escape from what doesn't exist, no escape from that which is not real. You must realize the fallacy of it all. And for that, you must connect to what is true. You must go into the thing you've been avoiding your whole life. The pain you feel.

The pain that now feels like you. Through that there are doorways to the stories that have lived inside of you, the beliefs you carry, the old wounds that have waited for you.

Sit down, close your eyes and take a deep breath. All you have been wanting has been wanting you too. It's been here for a while. The place where you didn't look, the place of truth.

The hollowness of the mind disappears when I come back to myself

The hollowness of the mind disappears when I come back into my body

The hollowness of the mind disappears when I connect to my heart

The hollowness of the mind disappears when I can feel my breath

The hollowness of the mind disappears when I let myself express

The hollowness of the mind disappears when I create space to see what's here

The hollowness of the mind disappears when I allow the feelings to be felt

The hollowness of the mind disappears when I become the observer

The hollowness of the mind disappears when I become the space where my inner world is seen, heard and felt.

The hollowness of the mind disappears when I close my eyes and sit with myself.